inconclusion.

So. Much has come to pass over the months since I last made an actual post. And now, being in school for another hour with nothing to work on really, [finishing the Atlantis essay did pay off] I figured I'd throw out there a little about what has been going on. This won't be nearly as detailed as the earlier posts, because over time the relevance of details has come into much deeper scrutiny in my journals or writings, in correlation with the development of my poetry. I wrote in a paper journal for a little while, but I have not been keeping it up, perhaps only because my life is not changing as much as it has been over the past years. Most of the heartfelt conflicts I have had are resolved, which has left my heart desperate for something to cling to, at least at some times. Yet, the advantage is almost unparalleled, my mind is clear; poetry still flows freely from my heart, and deep thoughts, when I have them, have the space to occupy my entire mind. The overflow of ambient and electronic music which I have so fallen in love with is not without influence in this.
As I said in my last post but did not clarify very much, I am still connected with the origins of this blog, and since I know most of the visits I have gotten here in the past were people coming from ilovebees, that is in part what I mean. My book of poetry is titled Death of a Bee, in part coming from Durga's line: "You know what's creepy? If a bee stings you, it dies, but it can still sting you after it's dead." I wrote a poem on the idea as well, if only to explain the idea to people that might otherwise find a book so titled as strange.
Anyway, for the sake of relevance, really only a few major things have happened since I last posted. First of all, I began writing poetry. again. This time, more structured and in my opinion, better, since I have studied Robert Frost in Mrs. Kincheloe's class. I'm not posting the new works on Poetic Thinking, but I will be publishing them in a book of poetry titled Death of a Bee. Second of all, I went to NC Governor's School. That was awesome; it was certainly the best school I've ever been to, and probably the best I'll ever go to. I could go into infinite detail, but I've already annoyed everyone here to death about it, so I'll hold off. Third was quite something... I fell in love with Amber. butofcourse, she has a boyfriend, Taylor. I discovered I loved her actually only when she very indirectly asked if I did, and then it broke into something it shouldn't have. Amidst stunning coincedences and strange, but hardly awkward conversations, everything worked out fine in the end. In many respects, nothing overall has changed. However, Amber and I are closer, I believe, although I doubt our relationship will go past friendship.
When I spoke of working out "heartfelt conflicts," this was one of them. Of course, my heart is often in conflict, but now it has little externally with which to have conflict. It just has to get over itself every once in a while. It just wants love, I just want love, but love isn't kind to me. I'm used to it by now, most of the time at least, but I can't help but look forward to having someone to love.
Until then,

regression.

I felt strange leaving this blog in such a strange font and such. the courier new phase was not a long one, and not one related to the time in which these blogs were written. I have tried to bring this blog back to the way it looked originally, although I lost the earlier links in the process. That was an accident. Fact is, in looking through history, and especially when tampering with it, it is inevitable that the history is changed, and changes you. These blogs no longer accurately portray who I am on the surface, but in my heart, I am still this person, lord sobaguda. I may call myself ilb Janissary, I may change in my speech, writing, surface beliefs, and developing ideas, but at my heart, I will always be a thinker, always be a tireless romantic, always be a writer. After all, ilb Janissary comes from the roots of this blog, the very beginning, the reason I made this blog in the first place, and in the same way, I am unavoidably rooted in that time. Thank you for reading, and see you in the afterlife, I'm sure.

Best game evar

I believe these are the best stats I have ever gotten online. To add, two people quit from our team at the beginning, so it was 6 v. 8, and we didn't score until there were 15 seconds left in the game.













Every time I shot it seemed like it was another headshot. I swear. Also, save for the two guys that quit and "lockmaster5," who didn't seem to even be playing, I had the least shots fired. Unbelievable.

[Hey, Adrian can do this for DDR, why can't I do it for Halo 2?]

one year

Well, this blog has served faithfully on the internet frontier for one year and about two months now. I just realized I missed its birthday a few days ago, so I figured I should go ahead and announce it.
Happy birthday to notalord!
For its birthday I got it a new layout. I just didn't realize it at the time. In its time, the great Xanga empire has risen and fallen, and MySpace has become the great internet site of the times, it seems. Blogger was never a big thing except with me and Amber really, but oh well, we're specialer. Besides, ilovebees chose blogger, so that has me right there.
Anyway, although the past semester has had me busy enough with MySpace and such, I'm leaving this blog for random updates, perhaps coming back to it when (no, not if) MySpace dies, and for archiving.
It's sad... so much is fading these days...

New Layout

New layout, as you likely noticed. Yellow is my new color, thanks to ilovebees and the French. Blue stays, both because I love this shade and because the French have blue too. Green comes in because my birthstone is emerald, because blue and yellow make green, and because green has always been my favorite color.
Thus, they don't match well, but I love all three colors too much to care.

Changing times...

Well, I haven't updated in probably a month or so, so here you go.
I've mostly been messing with MySpace lately, and I actually run a blog there, so that's been updated a bit more since I get the feeling not many people look at this one these days. If you want the address, just ask.
*Sigh* Well, life is different. Writing has been very important to me lately, just not to the ole blogs any more. Poetic thinking turned out pretty well, but I don't think I'll be writing any more poems, for a while at least. The purpose of that blog has been fulfilled really, I've given up on dreamgirl.
Hm, well, may as well come out with who it was, so long as you read the whole story, not just the name. Then again, you may not even know her. But before I say it, know this: those poems were not intended as being specific. They are in effect a discussion of archetype, or that one other half many guys look for [Though admittedly not all] in a girl. There is that concept of the dreamgirl, of someone who completes you, even when that is not wise to seek. There is the longing to find the perfect person, the one that you know doesn't exist but your soul longs for regardless.
That is how I felt for Christy [Crystal]. That is really what I wanted from her, and I knew it wasn't possible, and I tried to ignore it for two years. The moment I saw her I recognized something in her I had not seen before, but she never saw much of anything in me. After two years, Alicia [Aramaia] and I broke up, and I allowed her to because I knew I couldn't love her as I loved Christy as I did. I sent her a letter to tell her, not expecting anything really, and asking only for friendship. Frankly, that started a long series of attempts to try to just get her to see me that lasted around two months.
Never worked. I rode my bike to her house and talked to her (along with a lot of her friends), but, although all her friends were glad to talk with me, she was hesitant. There was always something different in the way she acted, and though I tried blaming it on my own nervousness for a while, I realized that wasn't it.
I got pretty aggravated and told her I just wouldn't try any more. She reacted as if she had done nothing to stop me, so I gave her another chance. Given, a short and limited one, but a chance nonetheless. Nothing changed, so I haven't talked to her since. (Which isn't saying as much as it may seem: in the two years I never told her, we may have talked three times).
Cliques are heck. And for two months, I searched for a way to put an end to them, because tales of Almon [Fuzzy]'s happy Faith Christian world were getting on my nerves and I couldn't reach Christy in any situation with her friends unless I broke the clique open.
In short, I never succeeded. I succeeded in getting to know better a few of the people in the clique, but once they were together, I was invisible. After I told Christy I was giving up on her, I gave up on destroying the cliques also.
Soon after, my thoughts cleared up and I came up with a most interesting idea, one that could change my life... I still need to think about it more before I start trying to discuss or explain it with other people. I'm not even sure if I want to yet...
Well there's a nice general update. Not like the old, detailed, almost schedularly ones, but I like this way bettre.
Events that would have been on the old posts:
Pilgrimage (which was cool, but pics weren't anything special and the trip went mostly as usual... ok I haven't posted one on Pilgrimage yet, but it's a Christian camp like a lower quality BigStuf in Fayetteville)
Halloween (nothing happened)
Getting my full license (yoy, not much else to say)
Other than that, doing well in school, but average really. The small classes are annoying, but I really don't care about very many other people any more because, frankly, they don't care about me. Darrin [Trulegend], David [Hutch] and Amber have been good to talk to, but right now I don't feel like I have a friend I can tell everything to.
In fact, my situation is pretty dismal in general. One of the only things that brightens my mood is my current understanding of the world... even if that understanding is kind of discouraging in itself...
Also, Sara Elizabeth. She has a boyfriend, but she has been good to talk to as a friend. Always good to talk to people that don't go to my school...
I really need someone I can discuss this theory of mine with though, and for that I am in serious lack. Don't come and ask me why I can't talk about it with you, please.
On a random note, I haven't talked to Alicia in about two months, and I've been wondering how she is for a while now... need to call her but I truly haven't had much of a chance. (Or remembered when I did have a chance)
It's a *sigh* time in my life in general...
There's a side of me right now that is desperate to be with someone, and there is another that argues against it... and then there is my common sense that says it doesn't matter because you can't anyway, but that doesn't exactly make me feel bettre. Then there's this philosophy I've developed that is breathing down my back pointing out every lie of society and sometimes making me feel bettre, and sometimes making me feel sick. Then there's the FOG falling apart where even I don't feel like playing video games any more because they just make me mad. Then there's Christmas coming up but my philosophy keeps breathing down my back pointing out how pagan it has become. Then there's the cliques at school where I am ignored by all but three people generally. Then there's the rumors apparently going around about me that I still don't know... one of them I hear is that I wrote about all the girls in our class on MySpace, which is halfway tru, since I sent a message to Christy somewhat like that, but halfway not, because I only wrote about like four, and I only used it to illustrate a point, and I didn't say anything I thought anyone would like not to be known. Then there's people at school that expect me to be a genius 24/7, which is more annoying than you could know if you haven't experienced it. I see why people call themselves ditsy and stupid so often... it doesn't work for me though, and no matter how humble I try to be, no one really cares, because they make me more than they allow me to make myself to them.
But on the other hand, I have Amber, Almon, Darrin, and Sara Elizabeth to talk to, and that has been good. I also have my license now, and you have no idea how much goes out the window when I'm driving to and from school or anywhere else. Then I have my music collection, and when I listen to that I can release so much feeling that has been stored up. Then there's this, my writing, which just lets me dribble it all out onto a computer screen. Then there's the hope that my philosophy might help some people gain a bettre understanding of the world we live in, and that society might be pushed to change as a result. Doubtful that will happen, but who knows. If you haven't seen my prediction for this year's yearbook:
I predict in forty years society as we know it will collapse as Earth's fossil fuel supply is depleted, and this generation will be forced to solve the resulting crisis.
Hoping to shock a few people with that. Of course, 3/4 of the school won't see it, and probably only 1/8 will understand it, but I think it's worth it.
Well, I've done enough dribbling I guess...
My senior quote to-be:
Blind ignorance is only bliss to those who are blind.

I am still alive

I am still alive. Yep, you heard it. I really haven't had a chance to update lately, so let me catch you up just a bit.
Everyone hates IB. Seriously.
There are 16 girls, and 4 guys (Though there were 5)
1st Period: good break. Psychology, and we don't do that much. We watch movies (most of them relevant) and talk and read newspapers and stuff.
2nd Period: Am. History/Literature. Literature is pretty cool, I let the teacher read "one" and she liked it, and History, well, we are learning a lot, and the teacher is really good and likes me, but she can be pretty harsh.
3rd Period: Math/Biology. Math, a bore to Hutch and me, and completely impossible to everyone else. We read books while the teacher explains problems we understood to start off. Biology, not bad, but I'm not doing that well. We do a lot of labs, but that isn't all great, because then there's the lab writeups, and I don't think I quite have that mastered yet.
4th Period: Spanish. Our teacher wasn't here for the first six weeks. We had an awesome sub the first couple, then a horrible one for three, then our old Span II teacher for the last week, which was nice, he's a good teacher.
After school activities:
Tues: help out with yearbook
Wed: LOGOS from 4 to 8 pm
Thurs: SCA first Thurs. of every month
Fri: Science Olympiad
Sat: FOG around once a month (such a chore)
Sun: Church, Sunday School, Team Go, Youth Orchestra, Youth Revolution, Small Groups
Who would've guessed Monday would be my break day...
Anyway yah, what you see above has basically been my life for the past six weeks or so. That and the Helix project (one week) and biking. If I haven't stopped by your house, I bike around and stop by some peoples' houses almost every day. I'll go around five miles to get to a house, so tell me where you live and I'll stop by sometime. I've found it to be a good way to get to know the other people in the IB class that generally stick to themselves. And a good way to keep up with people not in IB. And a good way to talk to anyone else.
Other than that, you may notice I started a poetic thinking blog. That is a lot easier to update than this blog, because I don't have to write some gigantic post like I always do on this blog.
Hmm… random events:
FOG at my house a few weeks ago, we had 12 people at one point
Rock Climbing last Friday night, from 9 pm to 8 am Saturday
Psychology Katrina Relief Yard Sale Saturday, missed first shift (6-9), so I went to second. Hutch and I had a good time listening to music in our cars [Tool/Halo 2/Praxis/Rollins Band]
Aramaia’s b-day party (I got to go!)
Trulegend got his license
Went to a couple football games and a soccer game (hadn’t been to a Gryphons game)
Well, that’s really all I can think of for now. And life will go on in much the same way…