Changing times...
Well, I haven't updated in probably a month or so, so here you go.
I've mostly been messing with MySpace lately, and I actually run a blog there, so that's been updated a bit more since I get the feeling not many people look at this one these days. If you want the address, just ask.
*Sigh* Well, life is different. Writing has been very important to me lately, just not to the ole blogs any more. Poetic thinking turned out pretty well, but I don't think I'll be writing any more poems, for a while at least. The purpose of that blog has been fulfilled really, I've given up on dreamgirl.
Hm, well, may as well come out with who it was, so long as you read the whole story, not just the name. Then again, you may not even know her. But before I say it, know this: those poems were not intended as being specific. They are in effect a discussion of archetype, or that one other half many guys look for [Though admittedly not all] in a girl. There is that concept of the dreamgirl, of someone who completes you, even when that is not wise to seek. There is the longing to find the perfect person, the one that you know doesn't exist but your soul longs for regardless.
That is how I felt for Christy [Crystal]. That is really what I wanted from her, and I knew it wasn't possible, and I tried to ignore it for two years. The moment I saw her I recognized something in her I had not seen before, but she never saw much of anything in me. After two years, Alicia [Aramaia] and I broke up, and I allowed her to because I knew I couldn't love her as I loved Christy as I did. I sent her a letter to tell her, not expecting anything really, and asking only for friendship. Frankly, that started a long series of attempts to try to just get her to see me that lasted around two months.
Never worked. I rode my bike to her house and talked to her (along with a lot of her friends), but, although all her friends were glad to talk with me, she was hesitant. There was always something different in the way she acted, and though I tried blaming it on my own nervousness for a while, I realized that wasn't it.
I got pretty aggravated and told her I just wouldn't try any more. She reacted as if she had done nothing to stop me, so I gave her another chance. Given, a short and limited one, but a chance nonetheless. Nothing changed, so I haven't talked to her since. (Which isn't saying as much as it may seem: in the two years I never told her, we may have talked three times).
Cliques are heck. And for two months, I searched for a way to put an end to them, because tales of Almon [Fuzzy]'s happy Faith Christian world were getting on my nerves and I couldn't reach Christy in any situation with her friends unless I broke the clique open.
In short, I never succeeded. I succeeded in getting to know better a few of the people in the clique, but once they were together, I was invisible. After I told Christy I was giving up on her, I gave up on destroying the cliques also.
Soon after, my thoughts cleared up and I came up with a most interesting idea, one that could change my life... I still need to think about it more before I start trying to discuss or explain it with other people. I'm not even sure if I want to yet...
Well there's a nice general update. Not like the old, detailed, almost schedularly ones, but I like this way bettre.
Events that would have been on the old posts:
Pilgrimage (which was cool, but pics weren't anything special and the trip went mostly as usual... ok I haven't posted one on Pilgrimage yet, but it's a Christian camp like a lower quality BigStuf in Fayetteville)
Halloween (nothing happened)
Getting my full license (yoy, not much else to say)
Other than that, doing well in school, but average really. The small classes are annoying, but I really don't care about very many other people any more because, frankly, they don't care about me. Darrin [Trulegend], David [Hutch] and Amber have been good to talk to, but right now I don't feel like I have a friend I can tell everything to.
In fact, my situation is pretty dismal in general. One of the only things that brightens my mood is my current understanding of the world... even if that understanding is kind of discouraging in itself...
Also, Sara Elizabeth. She has a boyfriend, but she has been good to talk to as a friend. Always good to talk to people that don't go to my school...
I really need someone I can discuss this theory of mine with though, and for that I am in serious lack. Don't come and ask me why I can't talk about it with you, please.
On a random note, I haven't talked to Alicia in about two months, and I've been wondering how she is for a while now... need to call her but I truly haven't had much of a chance. (Or remembered when I did have a chance)
It's a *sigh* time in my life in general...
There's a side of me right now that is desperate to be with someone, and there is another that argues against it... and then there is my common sense that says it doesn't matter because you can't anyway, but that doesn't exactly make me feel bettre. Then there's this philosophy I've developed that is breathing down my back pointing out every lie of society and sometimes making me feel bettre, and sometimes making me feel sick. Then there's the FOG falling apart where even I don't feel like playing video games any more because they just make me mad. Then there's Christmas coming up but my philosophy keeps breathing down my back pointing out how pagan it has become. Then there's the cliques at school where I am ignored by all but three people generally. Then there's the rumors apparently going around about me that I still don't know... one of them I hear is that I wrote about all the girls in our class on MySpace, which is halfway tru, since I sent a message to Christy somewhat like that, but halfway not, because I only wrote about like four, and I only used it to illustrate a point, and I didn't say anything I thought anyone would like not to be known. Then there's people at school that expect me to be a genius 24/7, which is more annoying than you could know if you haven't experienced it. I see why people call themselves ditsy and stupid so often... it doesn't work for me though, and no matter how humble I try to be, no one really cares, because they make me more than they allow me to make myself to them.
But on the other hand, I have Amber, Almon, Darrin, and Sara Elizabeth to talk to, and that has been good. I also have my license now, and you have no idea how much goes out the window when I'm driving to and from school or anywhere else. Then I have my music collection, and when I listen to that I can release so much feeling that has been stored up. Then there's this, my writing, which just lets me dribble it all out onto a computer screen. Then there's the hope that my philosophy might help some people gain a bettre understanding of the world we live in, and that society might be pushed to change as a result. Doubtful that will happen, but who knows. If you haven't seen my prediction for this year's yearbook:
I predict in forty years society as we know it will collapse as Earth's fossil fuel supply is depleted, and this generation will be forced to solve the resulting crisis.
Hoping to shock a few people with that. Of course, 3/4 of the school won't see it, and probably only 1/8 will understand it, but I think it's worth it.
Well, I've done enough dribbling I guess...
My senior quote to-be:
Blind ignorance is only bliss to those who are blind.
I've mostly been messing with MySpace lately, and I actually run a blog there, so that's been updated a bit more since I get the feeling not many people look at this one these days. If you want the address, just ask.
*Sigh* Well, life is different. Writing has been very important to me lately, just not to the ole blogs any more. Poetic thinking turned out pretty well, but I don't think I'll be writing any more poems, for a while at least. The purpose of that blog has been fulfilled really, I've given up on dreamgirl.
Hm, well, may as well come out with who it was, so long as you read the whole story, not just the name. Then again, you may not even know her. But before I say it, know this: those poems were not intended as being specific. They are in effect a discussion of archetype, or that one other half many guys look for [Though admittedly not all] in a girl. There is that concept of the dreamgirl, of someone who completes you, even when that is not wise to seek. There is the longing to find the perfect person, the one that you know doesn't exist but your soul longs for regardless.
That is how I felt for Christy [Crystal]. That is really what I wanted from her, and I knew it wasn't possible, and I tried to ignore it for two years. The moment I saw her I recognized something in her I had not seen before, but she never saw much of anything in me. After two years, Alicia [Aramaia] and I broke up, and I allowed her to because I knew I couldn't love her as I loved Christy as I did. I sent her a letter to tell her, not expecting anything really, and asking only for friendship. Frankly, that started a long series of attempts to try to just get her to see me that lasted around two months.
Never worked. I rode my bike to her house and talked to her (along with a lot of her friends), but, although all her friends were glad to talk with me, she was hesitant. There was always something different in the way she acted, and though I tried blaming it on my own nervousness for a while, I realized that wasn't it.
I got pretty aggravated and told her I just wouldn't try any more. She reacted as if she had done nothing to stop me, so I gave her another chance. Given, a short and limited one, but a chance nonetheless. Nothing changed, so I haven't talked to her since. (Which isn't saying as much as it may seem: in the two years I never told her, we may have talked three times).
Cliques are heck. And for two months, I searched for a way to put an end to them, because tales of Almon [Fuzzy]'s happy Faith Christian world were getting on my nerves and I couldn't reach Christy in any situation with her friends unless I broke the clique open.
In short, I never succeeded. I succeeded in getting to know better a few of the people in the clique, but once they were together, I was invisible. After I told Christy I was giving up on her, I gave up on destroying the cliques also.
Soon after, my thoughts cleared up and I came up with a most interesting idea, one that could change my life... I still need to think about it more before I start trying to discuss or explain it with other people. I'm not even sure if I want to yet...
Well there's a nice general update. Not like the old, detailed, almost schedularly ones, but I like this way bettre.
Events that would have been on the old posts:
Pilgrimage (which was cool, but pics weren't anything special and the trip went mostly as usual... ok I haven't posted one on Pilgrimage yet, but it's a Christian camp like a lower quality BigStuf in Fayetteville)
Halloween (nothing happened)
Getting my full license (yoy, not much else to say)
Other than that, doing well in school, but average really. The small classes are annoying, but I really don't care about very many other people any more because, frankly, they don't care about me. Darrin [Trulegend], David [Hutch] and Amber have been good to talk to, but right now I don't feel like I have a friend I can tell everything to.
In fact, my situation is pretty dismal in general. One of the only things that brightens my mood is my current understanding of the world... even if that understanding is kind of discouraging in itself...
Also, Sara Elizabeth. She has a boyfriend, but she has been good to talk to as a friend. Always good to talk to people that don't go to my school...
I really need someone I can discuss this theory of mine with though, and for that I am in serious lack. Don't come and ask me why I can't talk about it with you, please.
On a random note, I haven't talked to Alicia in about two months, and I've been wondering how she is for a while now... need to call her but I truly haven't had much of a chance. (Or remembered when I did have a chance)
It's a *sigh* time in my life in general...
There's a side of me right now that is desperate to be with someone, and there is another that argues against it... and then there is my common sense that says it doesn't matter because you can't anyway, but that doesn't exactly make me feel bettre. Then there's this philosophy I've developed that is breathing down my back pointing out every lie of society and sometimes making me feel bettre, and sometimes making me feel sick. Then there's the FOG falling apart where even I don't feel like playing video games any more because they just make me mad. Then there's Christmas coming up but my philosophy keeps breathing down my back pointing out how pagan it has become. Then there's the cliques at school where I am ignored by all but three people generally. Then there's the rumors apparently going around about me that I still don't know... one of them I hear is that I wrote about all the girls in our class on MySpace, which is halfway tru, since I sent a message to Christy somewhat like that, but halfway not, because I only wrote about like four, and I only used it to illustrate a point, and I didn't say anything I thought anyone would like not to be known. Then there's people at school that expect me to be a genius 24/7, which is more annoying than you could know if you haven't experienced it. I see why people call themselves ditsy and stupid so often... it doesn't work for me though, and no matter how humble I try to be, no one really cares, because they make me more than they allow me to make myself to them.
But on the other hand, I have Amber, Almon, Darrin, and Sara Elizabeth to talk to, and that has been good. I also have my license now, and you have no idea how much goes out the window when I'm driving to and from school or anywhere else. Then I have my music collection, and when I listen to that I can release so much feeling that has been stored up. Then there's this, my writing, which just lets me dribble it all out onto a computer screen. Then there's the hope that my philosophy might help some people gain a bettre understanding of the world we live in, and that society might be pushed to change as a result. Doubtful that will happen, but who knows. If you haven't seen my prediction for this year's yearbook:
I predict in forty years society as we know it will collapse as Earth's fossil fuel supply is depleted, and this generation will be forced to solve the resulting crisis.
Hoping to shock a few people with that. Of course, 3/4 of the school won't see it, and probably only 1/8 will understand it, but I think it's worth it.
Well, I've done enough dribbling I guess...
My senior quote to-be:
Blind ignorance is only bliss to those who are blind.
posted by Doug at 10:20 PM
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